


Sickness is Weakness and Weakness isn't Perfect

by MaddieandChimney



Series: Triggers [6]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, tw: mentions of domestic violence, tw: mentions of vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:22:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24806152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: When Maddie accidentally vomits on Chimney, she's reminded of how angry Doug would get anytime she was sick.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Triggers [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1765093
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21
Collections: Madney One-Shots





	Sickness is Weakness and Weakness isn't Perfect

It happens quickly, far too suddenly for her to register what’s about to happen until it’s too late. One minute they were cuddling on the couch, him softly rubbing her back and the next… he was covered in vomit, _her_ vomit.

She freezes for just a second, heart thumping hard against her chest, before her body starts to tremble and her bottom lip quivers. Her eyes are welling up with tears before she can stop them and she doesn’t know if it’s the sheer exhaustion from expelling every single thing she puts in her body but suddenly, only for a second, she’s back in Hershey and Doug is looking at her completely disgusted.

“It’s fine, it’s only vomit.” Chimney shrugs, and logically, she knows he’s had worse on him but not when he was trying to relax after a long day at work.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” She’s mortified, especially when the tears start to fall and she dissolves into a complete mess. Chimney’s arm, that had been wrapped around her, was now up in the air as he looked down at his chest. “I-I didn’t… I didn’t m-mean—” Each word is getting increasingly difficult to get out through heavy breathing, her chest tight. She can practically, even if only for a moment, feel Doug’s hands wrapped tightly around her neck, see the anger on her face. Sickness was weakness and weakness was imperfection. That’s what he would tell her over and over again, until she started to believe it.

He’s slow to move but he stands up, quickly pulling the top over his head as carefully as he can manage. The moment he’s discarded it on the coffee table, he ducks his head in an attempt to meet her eyes but she refuses. “Hey, baby, breathe, okay? Look, no harm done. Nothing that a washing machine and a shower can’t fix, see?”

“N-no, I-I’m s-sorry, I should… should have known…” It physically hurts to speak, Doug’s hands are squeezing tighter and tighter and it doesn’t matter how much she tries to tell herself that she’s in LA, she’s with Chimney, she’s finally safe, she’s right back to that place. He’s in front of her, he’s screaming, his hand only getting tighter and suddenly, it’s Chimney’s hand on her cheek that drives her forward from her position on the couch.

He’s saying her name, she can _hear_ him practically shouting her name but it feels far away. It’s been so long since her previous panic attack, she’s trying to run through the steps in her head in an attempt to calm herself down. It doesn’t work, nothing seems to be working and it’s only forcing her to panic even more, as she clenches her fists, long nails digging harshly into her palms.

“H-hey, baby, Maddie, sweetheart…” He’s trying to pull her back, moving close enough to her that she can reach out to him if she wants but far enough that she doesn’t feel threatened.

“Sorry.” She gasps out, holding out a hand in the hopes he’ll take it, which he does, without a single moment of hesitation. He pulls her to his chest and she wishes it was enough to make her feel safe right then but she’s still too caught up in her own trauma, the misery Doug would inflict on her at any given opportunity. How he’d tell her how disgusting she was, how she needed to try harder, so much harder to do better, to be better in every single way possible.

Maddie finds her arms wrapping around his waist, clinging onto him with every ounce of strength she can possibly muster right then. “It’s okay, you’re here, you’re safe.”

“S-safe?” It’s Chimney’s turn to feel as though he can’t breathe right then when he hears the fear in her voice, the complete uncertainty and he wishes more than he’s ever wished for anything else, that he can take it all away. Every memory, every bit of hurt she’s ever felt – now and then.

“Completely safe, but I need you to try and breathe for me, please? You’re going to pass out,” His lips press to her forehead, “One, two, three.” He counts slowly, taking a deep breath when he does, repeating it until finally, he feels her relax ever so slightly into his touch. The tears don’t stop, he doesn’t expect them to but he can at least, feel the tension in her entire body relax just slightly, just enough so he can also breathe again.

It reminds him of the time she smashed a plate, and practically ran from his apartment to get away from him. Or the time he slammed his hand down on the dining room table during an argument, which again, would have caused her to run if he hadn’t managed to pull her back in time. He supposes, it’s more of a relief that this time, she didn’t try to put as much space between them as possible. These moments were, thankfully, becoming less and less but when they did come… it took _days_ to get her back to the Maddie he knew and loved.

He doesn’t mind the way her nails are digging into his back, clutching onto him as though he’s the only thing keeping her grounded right then. He just needs her to be okay, hating how she had been laughing barely ten minutes previously and he already misses the sound. “Talk to me, Maddie, please, tell me what’s going on in your head.” He’s never asked her to talk about it before, she’s given him bits and pieces, little things here and there that have allowed him to fill in the gaps with his own imagination.

He can’t say he’s not disappointed when she shakes her head and hides her face in his naked chest, her eyes closing tightly when the tears finally seem to subside. “One day?” He whispers, “Please talk to me one day?”

“I’m scared you’ll never look at me the same if I tell you everything he did.”

If his heart wasn’t breaking before, it was then, his own tears slipping down pale cheeks when he pulls her even closer. “That’s impossible, you’re my Maddie, you’re… my everything, nothing you tell me could ever make me see you as anything else.”

“S-someday…”

And he guesses someday is what he’ll have to settle for.


End file.
